Prologue:
The rain fell against the roof tops. It fell with a rhythm of a beating drum or a quickened heart beat. For the man on the forest floor, the sound didn't leave his ears. He looked up at his killers. Their faces were in darkness.
"Kill me," he whispered, in a slow, bass toned voice. His black hair sticking to the sides of his face and almost covered his bright brown eyes. "Kill me now and let me go on."
"Die you shall, but to heaven you will not go. You have killed and destroyed too often to go to the white land. You will go to the land of fire and doom. Hell shall be your new home."
"I killed to survive," the man said. "Is that enough to send me to hell? I do as you do, will you go to your hell?"
"I kill those who deserve to rot in hell's fiery death. I kill those who deserve to die."
"So you too must die..." The would-be-killer looked at his female companion before she plunged a sword threw him. The tip of the sharpened steel tapped the base of his spine.
"You..." the man sputtered, blood flowing from his mouth. It dripping down his chin onto the cold ground, red mixing with brown. "You’re a...a..."
"Traitor?" she asked. "You could say that. I prefer the term, 'outlaw'." She pulled the bleeding man's cloak away to reveal a long silver dagger at his belt. "I knew you were hired to kill me. I'm not stupid.”
“You are the outlaw? But that man…”
“Is my friend and companion.” The woman pulled her sword out of the man. He slumped to the ground. “I was never going to kill him.”
“A woman, the most feared outlaw in Weldon?” The bleeding man laughed then coughed a little, spitting blood from his mouth. “I doubt it. You must be his little whore.”
The woman’s eyes flashed with anger and she raised her sword again, ready to strike the man’s throat.
“Hannah, no!” The other man sprang up from his position on the ground to hold the woman back. She struggled to get free, to kill the bleeding man but her black haired companion held her back. In the struggle, the hood of her cloak fell back.
Her eyes were green and her skin was tanned from hard work in the sun. Her hair was as dark red, rain falling into the locks that brushed the middle of her back.
“Hannah, please, calm yourself.”
“I’ll kill him, James!” she shouted, still fighting the larger and stronger man. “I’ll kill him! He dared insulted the Lady Wolf!”
“You…are not the outlaw whore?” the dying man asked.
“I suggest you watch your words sir,” James said, still holding back Hannah. “No, Hannah is not the Lady Wolf, our leader and savor. Hannah and I are part of her humble pack.” He looked the dying man straight in the eye. “Now, do you wish to die? You will if dare to you insult the Lady Wolf again.” The two men stared at each other for a moment before the man spat in James’ direction.
“Fuck you,” he whispered. From a pocket of his cloak, he pulled out a small vile. Before he could drink its contents it was knocked away from him by the woman’s sword. James had released her and she plunged her sword into the man’s chest.
“Your Hell is a kind path for you,” she said, as she watched the man gag on his own blood. her voice was low and menacing. “May your devil honor your soul for you are the most foul we have ever met.” She pulled her sword out and pressed the point to the man’s throat. “And may you never, insult the Lady Wolf again.” Hannah plunged the blade into the man’s throat. She left him, dead, in a pool of his own blood.
Hannah removed her blade from the ground and wiped it on the wet grass.
“Let’s go home,” she said, her voice was cold as ice. Together, she and James walked into the forest’s darkness. A pair of eyes watched them go through the rain but dared not follow them.
“So these are the outlaws of Weldon,” he whispered. “Perhaps we will meet face to face and, perhaps, I will meet this Lady Wolf.”
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This is a story I thought up of after i got this random scene in my head, that comes later in the story. I will put up Chapter 1 in a few days.
Hope you enjoyed ^^
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Thank you all for the critique. I hope you will read chapter 1 and chapter 2 ^^
I love it. Your prologue really grabs the reader attention and holds it there until the ends.
Thank you all for the reviews. As of this chapter, the main characters have not been intorduced. Hannah and James are important characters but they are not the main characters. They are introduced in the next chapter. Hope you all enjoyed and I hope to get more reviews. ^^
I really liked this. I definitely wanted to read more (even though I read chapter 1 first
) I do have one thing to say. I completely disagree with most of what Aloe was saying, especially when he said too much information in one sentence. I need to point out that you are allowed more than one thing per sentence. It doesn't flow good with too many brakes. Keep up the good work!
Hey, I really liked it, but I think that I should be rated pg 13. I didn't think it was gore enough or swerish enough to be r. The part where "she left him in his own blood" soulds like she left, but when you continue writing, it sounds like she didn't.
????
Anyway, I thought it was really good. CONTINUE!
oops,
I accidentally read the chapter one before this.
This prologue wants me to read more(even though i have already read the other chapter). But i am getting confused. Who is the main character ? is it Hannah or the Lady Wolfe. You could clear this for me and the others.
But other than that, everything seems fine. you did a good job of editing. I look forward to read more.
see ya around.
NM
I liked most of it. Good description, and you do a pretty balanced job of showing rather than telling. The biggest problem I have is when you allow Hannah's hood to fall and you describe her. I think it's really out of place. It's a prologue, so not much development should really be happening. Reader's, at the moment, don't need to know what a specific character looks like. Put it in later, but not necessarily in a paragraph. Sneak a few comments in every once in a while about her appearance. Gradually, the reader will catch on and form her image in their mind. Prologues are meant to catch a reader's attention, and I think you've accomplished that.
--meow
Weel, I really liked it. Everything I noticed was said, so I just want to say how good I found it! ^^
~sheepy
ok, story has been edited and i would like to thank aloe for giving me all of those good tips. and about ur last comment aloe, who said anything about werewolves?
chapter one will be up soon. ^^
While this was interesting, I want to point out that the dialogue is way too melodramatic. It may be what you think fits your time and setting and all that, but it's too overdone and either it's because I'm in a weird mood or just because, but I didn't want to keep reading after a while.
So perhaps try to tone it down?
Good luck with yoru writing,
KJ
I might review this later; but for now I want to point out that the proper rating for this is "R", not PG-13 since it contains the "F" word.
Well, aloe already stole most of the tings I was going to say but otherwise it was a good story to read. It has peaked my attention and I will most likely keep reading but it reminds me a lot of a story I have already read.
It was a good read and I look forward to reading future chapters.
It was great! I usually say that with everyone's stories but only because I enjoy them thoroughly! aloe practically caught everything so there really is no need for me to critic (not that I'm good at that). All I can say is please keep up the good work and continue on. You must write on lol. Though...I think Hannah went a little overboard with all that stabbing, but if someone insulted my leader...
I don't know how qualified i am to be critiquing this, but here goes
I don't think sickening is the best adjective to be using here. what is a sickening rate? does it make you nauseous? seems outta place.
leave out evenly. adverbs are not exactly a good way to conjure up a mental image. the last part is good but it should be quickened.
too many ideas to a sentence. try to break that up somehow. or you could do something like "For the man on the forest floor, the sound didn't leave his ears" also the meaning of "never left his ears" is a little fuzzy. im pretty sure its okay but i dunno.
again you trying to format this sentence a little wrong. it makes it sound too long. try splitting it after looked up and then say his killers faces...
too many descriptions after "kill me", try to break it up into a couple of sentences.
split that up with a comma and say "to heaven"
run on. try to split the actions up. preferably into sentences. the tip tapping spine part is good.
guess what im going to say. Correct. split the descriptions up into different sentences. or you could just remove onto the cold ground. it seems irrelevant.
split with a comma and say something like " a silver dagger glistened at her waist" or something. i dunno that just sounds a little forced.
too many ideas. eliminate the and and add a period.
i don't think the comma is necessary in that sentence
i let sputtered go because it was kinda borderline but this is just kinda out there. hissed is not a strong talking style verb. He said/She said is divine. describe the voice afterward.
a ltitle awkward and too much for one sentence. cut the sentence off (no pun intended
remove icily. Adverbs are NOT YOUR FRIEND. at least in my opinion. instead say something like "the tone in her voice was cold as ice"
Okay good overall. I like the end of chapter suspense. the whole werewolf thing is cliche but who am i to tell you what to write about?
keep at it . 8/10 i say.